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DATING SURVIVAL
"There's No Chemistry. Can I Create Some?"
The authors of Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex tell you how to handle it.
By Josh Piven and Jennifer Worick
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Q: I went on a date with a nice guy, but kissing him was about as exciting as folding laundry. Do I give him another try? I'm really not feeling it. And if I turn him down, what's the right way to do it: Can I tell him there's no chemistry?
Josh’s solution:
I actually find folding laundry pretty invigorating—but then I'm a sucker for a perfectly folded shirt. Maybe I should be working at The Gap.
I agree that there's nothing like a boring kiss to turn sizzle into fizzle. But I don't think it's always (or at least immediately) grounds for a breakup. Kissing comes in many forms: sloppy, playful, forceful, meek, all-over-the-place (O.K., we all hate that one). Kissing is also an art, and like most art forms it isn't always appreciated or well-understood. Like a painting, what makes a kiss good is highly subjective. One person's Jackson Pollock may be another's pointless paint splatters. When executed to one's tastes, a kiss can leave a beautiful impression, like a Cézanne or a Monet. Perhaps your guy just needs a few, um, lessons in the French art?
Since you otherwise seem to like him, before you break it off with this man I suggest making a pointed effort to kiss and tell. Say to him, "I love it when you kiss me forcefully," or "I get turned on when you kiss my neck" and see if you get the desired result. And don't discount kissing the way you'd like to be kissed. If you want him to kiss your ear as well as your lips, make sure you kiss him in this fashion.
If you attempt kissing lessons and they don't work, and you get the impression he's doing the best he can, then you'll just have to decide if you can live with a boring kisser. If the answer is no, you should tell him that you like him as a person but that romantically you're not feeling much chemistry, and move on. If you decide to stick with him, who knows? You may eventually discover that, while he kisses like a kitten, he's a tiger in the bedroom.
Jen’s solution:
While I love a good snap, crackle, and pop, I left chemistry experiments, along with legwarmers, bad hair, and Matt McDonald, back in high school. I tend to give a man a few initial chances to light my Bunsen burner and if he doesn't do it, I call it quits. Take Dan, for instance. Tall, strapping, and successful, he seemed the complete package. We had marathon late-night talks about philosophy, evolution, and the like. Sadly, when we finally kissed, I found myself wiping my face in an attempt to wick away the moisture. I went against my usual M.O., persevered, and tried to show him what I liked, but he was a poor student. I had to throw in the spit-soaked towel after I concluded that we had no spark and he wasn't lighting my fire with his waterworks.
I've seen my friends beat their heads against a wall trying to make it work when it would be better to cut bait and move on. "He's the kind of guy I should be dating." "He's a catch; what's wrong with me?" There's nothing wrong with either of you! You are just not feeling it, and that's okay. Don't berate yourself for not being attracted to someone who you think would be good for you and you "should like." Think of it this way: By continuing to date someone who doesn't float your boat, you're keeping you and your date from finding relationships that do rock your boats. It's unfair to both of you.
So if you've given it the old college try and the kissing still sucks (literally), extinguish the flame and move onto another willing study partner. Most single people these days have cycled through a number of incompatible dates. In some instances, you didn't like your date, in others your date didn't like you, but usually you both realize at some level that you didn't mesh well. If you enjoy his company, say that you would really like to be friends but that you're just not feeling the tingle in your toes. No need to mention his bad kissing technique, by the way—who knows, maybe it'll work wonders for someone else.
Josh Piven and Jennifer Worick are co-authors of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex; www.worstcasescenarios.com.
* This column is for entertainment purposes only. It does not contain professional advice. The authors are not liable for any use or misuse of the information it contains.
Do you have a question for Josh and Jen? Send it to us—including your name, email address and phone number in case we need more details. We reserve the right to edit your case and feature it in a future issue of Happen.
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What’s your favorite way to spend Valentine’s Day? |
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69% |
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Dinner date with my sweetie |
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9% |
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Night out with friends |
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22% |
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Takeout & cable TV |
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